The Vancouver Crossing Guard

Imagine a tanned, highly-built 40-year-old lady with whistle. With leopard tights, pink top, and pink lipstick. With a teddy-bear from her childhood strapped onto her waist by belt…Now imagine this whole package on a pair of rollerblades…to help pedestrians, you and I alike to cross streets safely.

This was the sight the other afternoon while we were crossing Cambie and Broadway. She was spinning like a ballerina beside the driver’s door of a car that had stopped at the red light. The walk sign was blinking a wild orange-red as I was halfway across the walk; it was at this time that she stopped her graceful spin—and gave me a stare so cold and serious that I could not help but smile at.

“3—3; 2—2; 1—,” the walk sign flashed.

She skated over to us, on her a complexion of determination.

“Let’s go tub-tub,” she said in a Terminator-like tone and began using her hands and body to get us to cross the street before we get run over.

“Let’s go, let’s go. C’mon guys. I work out three times a day. Flat stomach.” She patted her stomach.

By the time we had crossed that particular street, it was time to cross the next. Of course, she skated ahead with us. And when she got to the other side, she did her ballerina spin, knees bent, by the 99 stop.

When the cars stopped once more and it was safe to cross the next cross walk, she was off—gone to fulfill her life’s calling, gone before I could gather my thoughts of what had just passed.

She has also been spotted Downtown. Has anyone else seen her?

The kitten-kite runner

I was sitting on a park bench when I saw a strange sight, one of which I could not help but smirk at. A woman--fully clothed from head to toe as if underneath was an invisible being—walked before me. In her gloved hands was a leash. And at the end of this leash, was not a dog, but a kitten. They sat down on the edge of a water fountain in front of me. Her radio was blaring, her sunglasses reflecting a sinister glare from the sun. She took out a comb and began combing her cat who lay down as if it were royalty. As fur balls floated into the air like puffs of smoke and into my face, I hoped with all my heart that they would leave me alone.

My wish came true:  a toddler, waddling like a penguin, entered the scene. Smiling, he kissed the kitten on the lips and laughed. Disgusted the kitten moved over to another segment of the water fountain, but the toddler stumbled over, kissing the feline once more. This resulted in the cat running over to the nearest tree, while its cloaked owner hung onto the still-intact leash.    

Then, while the owner hung onto the leash, the kitten climbed the tree. It was as if the cat was a kite and its owner its runner… an invisible woman running a kitten-kite. But it seemed as if the kite was stuck in this tree since the kitten did not know how to get down. Within minutes, crows perched on the branches directly above that which the cat was clinging onto. They cawed a teasing caw, knowing that the cat was stuck and wouldn’t be able to claw at them.

Seeing that the kitten was in distress, a passerby returned with a stool for it to jump onto to get down. But the kitten refused to jump; and the passerby refused to give up. He said that he would return with a ladder, but before he returned the kitten jumped, caught itself on a branch with its arms, hung there like a gorilla, then leaped headfirst onto the trunk, and then onto the grass. (All this took place while its owner held onto its leash and watched patiently). And so with the leash still intact, the lady walked its cat out of the park as if this was a daily happening.

Minutes later, the man returned with a ladder. His hands were blackened and his hair had twigs in it. Standing by the tree and scratching his head, he let out a sigh of relief and of disappointment.